Home Coming Queen..

Around this time every year, Nature celebrates the coming of spring.  Flowers and shrubs begin to erupt slowly. As winter bids its farewell, I see the new greenery mixed with a rainbow of spring colors emerging everywhere and adorning God’s beautiful earth. New life starts peaking gradually, enveloping us with its glory and promising us the wonders that God has created.

Spring brings the birth of many things, among them, my special needs daughter, Alexandra.  It has been fifteen years since my child entered the world so unexpectedly thirteen weeks too soon.  She came, but a mere, twelve ounces in weight and eight inches in length. In spite of this, though, she arrived kicking her legs and arms just as any other new born would. She was claiming this world as her own. I can almost hear her stating: “look out world for here I come”.

For the past five years, since Alex’s tenth birthday to be exact, I had taken it upon myself to write a birthday post for her. It is my way of honoring my daughter for what she has had to endure during the first years of her life. It is my way of celebrating her and thanking God for her existence.   It is my way of trying to make right what obviously went wrong during a pregnancy that I thought was fine.   After all, a mother’s first job is to ensure her child’s safety and happiness and I had so desperately wanted that to be true for us, on that day, Fifteen years ago.  It is my way of erasing the scars that are still visible on my daughter’s skin and will forever be etched in my heart and mind.

It has been an interesting year. A transitional year in so many ways. Alexandra entered her first year of high school.  This change has been harder on me than on her. She seems to adjust well and thrive on social skills that took so many years to develop. She will be participating in her first school dance three days after her birthday. To other mothers, this may be just a normal activity during the teen years. For me, however, this is a giant step.  I am almost tempted to contact her NICU nurses and inform them of this event. They will surely share this joy with me. To even imagine that the NICU’s smallest surviving infant and longest resident will be going to a school dance is beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. I will have to quote my sister’s favorite recent saying: “God is so Faithful”.

Our lives have changed to a better and stable existence the past few years. Each new “medically- stable” day brings better promises and a chance for a brighter future. In spite of the still lingering special needs challenges we face daily,  we are now able to participate in more normal activities such as attending full time school, shopping or visiting relatives. It has taken strong faith and many years of therapies, care and love to bring Alexandra to this point. The path was hard, but the outcome is worth it. 

These “medically-stable” years have allowed Alexandra’s funny personality to slowly emerge. She is now given a chance to show her true character and build those habits that are a part of any growing child.  Among her favorite habits is a serious wave that she uses to greet whomever she comes across.  As a matter of fact, her favorite pass time is to make the rounds in school waving a greeting to anyone in sight.  It is truly a delight to watch Alexandra greeting teachers and staff as she wonders about her day. A few years ago, she developed and perfected this wave that has become a big part of who Alex is.  It is this signature wave that has earned her the title of “Home Coming Queen”.

I am blessed to see this wave every day. It brightens my heart when she uses it as I drop her off to school in the morning and when I pick her up at the end of the day. A simple gesture, yet so powerful.  A true Royal wave, for Alexandra has fought and earned this royalty every step of the way. A true Seal-of-Faith wave, for God’s faithfulness has made all this possible..

Happy Fifteenth birthday “Home Coming Queen!”….

©  Copyright 2013 .Najwa S. Hirn. All rights reserved

Rites of Passage..

As I witness my daughter, Alexandra, walk across the stage in her school cafeteria to receive an award I cannot help but be filled with pride and joy. My eyes tear when I see her get up and approach the stage as her name is called. She, dutifully, allows an attendant to help her up the steps to accept her recognition. She acts as if she has done this a million times before as she walks over to shake the presenter’s hand and hold on to her certificate. I never, in my wildest dreams thought it ever possible to witness this event. I was mesmerized by so many things but most of all I was mesmerized by Alex who is involved in an activity that is considered to be very normal among regular students her age.

I am lost for words as I try to describe the emotions that were going through my heart and entire being at that moment. Her entire actions tonight told me that she knew exactly what she was doing. She was aware that she should be present at this eighth grade award ceremony. She behaved appropriately and made myself and everyone else so proud to see her achievement.

This past month has been filled with events at my daughter’s middle school celebrating the eighth graders graduating and moving to High school. It was only two weeks ago when Alexandra was given the opportunity to participate in what they term as “Crazy 8”. This was an entire day dedicated by the school to celebrate all the eighth graders. An actual “Party” day, filled with all their heart’s desires from slides to ice –cones to dancing and mingling. A beautiful day that celebrated not only those teen’s innocent childhood that they try desperately to hide at this stage of their lives, but also their emerging adulthood that they are moving towards.

It has been an incredible three years, my daughter’s middle school years. I am thankful for every minute and day that has passed. This wonderful “Rites of passage” has not just been for her but for me also. As I see her participating in whatever normalcy the real world allows her, I thank the Lord for bringing her to this point and allowing me to share these precious moments with her. I recall her rough start and see the tiny 12 ounce baby who was forced into this world way too early.

My daughter is my hero,I admire her strength, her love and endurance. I am blessed to have been chosen to be the one to take care of her. I still wonder why things had turned out the way they did for her and I. Why, was she born so prematurely, weighing 12 ounces and measuring 8 inches in length and why it was necessary to go through our preemie/special needs “Rites’ of passage” that we have endured for over ten years. I still wonder what God’s plans may be but I know they are good ones.

As the evening drew to an end with cheers, tears and hugs, I am amazed at how far, Alexandra has come. I am thankful and blessed that I am witnessing and sharing these new and much welcomed “Rites of Passage” with her and cannot wait to find out what the future may hold ..

Congratulations 8th grader..

© Copyright 2012 .Najwa S. Hirn. All rights reserved

Butterfly Kisses..

It is this time of year again when I celebrate my daughter, Alexandra’s birthday. I had taken it upon myself to write a birthday post for Alex ever since she turned ten. In my books, that is the day that I truly started celebrating her life. That is the day that commenced the second ten years of Alex’s life which I call the more “stable years”.

For all of you who do not know Alex’s story, I can refresh by saying that Alex was born a micro preemie fourteen years ago due to preeclampsia complications that I suffered suddenly towards the end of my fifth month of pregnancy. Somehow, this was never medically caught on earlier in the trimesters and thus the necessity of the emergency c-section at twenty six weeks and the sudden birth of a tiny 12 ounce, 8” long baby who was to change my life as I knew it. A baby that was no bigger that a “stick of butter” as she was referred to at the NICU and no heavier than a “can of soda”. A baby that I could not hold for two months and could not bring home for eight.

The first ten years were somewhat of a blur. They were mainly the “survival” years. The focus, as you may gather, was mainly to help Alex survive. In the midst of hospital visits, therapies and late night emergency room admissions, both Alex and I were mainly going on what I may term now as “auto-pilot”. As she fought with every tiny cell of her body to survive, I really didn’t have time to concentrate on anything but counting calories, calculating fluid intake and output, checking oxygen levels, administering meds and basically becoming the nurse, therapist and medical personnel that I never wanted to be. Notice, I failed to even include “mom” in the previous list. All I really wanted to be was her “mom”.

The past is the past and I cannot change it. It is time to focus on the future and live for that instead. I am truly amazed and blessed when I see my daughter today. She will always have special needs; I’ve finally come to grips with that. I had once surrendered her in Jesus’ arms and I continue to do that every single day. If He chose for her to have special needs, so be it. We are blessed with those needs for that means that she is still here today and getting ready to celebrate her birthday. I shudder as I remember the first few years, and embrace what we have now for the outcome could have been so much graver. She taught me about life and how fragile it can be. She taught me strength like I never knew I had and patience that I thought I used to have. She taught me acceptance and unconditional love.

I love her for who she is. A tiny soul full of life. A soul, blessed by the Lord, for it is He, who gave her, and I the strength to survive what we have gone through. I am glad to hear people commenting to me that my daughter is happy for that tells me that I have not failed her in that avenue. I hear her laughter often. I see her dancing and singing to her favorite music. I hold her when she needs me and help her along the way. But most of all, in spite of her turning fourteen, I can still say that I am blessed to experience her “Butterfly Kisses” as she goes about her day..

Happy Fourteen Sweetie!

©Copyright 2012 .Najwa S. Hirn. All rights reserved

The Name Stamp..

A couple of days ago I had the opportunity to participate in my daughter’s transitional IEP. As a parent of a special needs child, one becomes familiar with an IEP or “Individualized Education Plan” meeting. This meeting becomes a natural part of the path we take as we raise our special needs children. It is usually held once a year during the school year with the parent being invited to attend for the goal of discussing the status of the child at school and mapping out future goals and objectives as each school year folds and unfolds.

During the past eleven years, I have attended numerous IEP’s that It has become kind of second nature to me. I am no longer intimidated by the process like I was years ago during the elementary school year. These meeting seem like they grew on me as the years went by and thus I went into this one expecting the usual discussion that normally had taken place in the past.

With that in mind, I was mildly surprised during the middle of this IEP when my daughter, Alexandra, was called in the room. I did not know what to expect from that since she has never been invited to one of those before. I was even more surprised to see her sitting so appropriately by my side around the large conference table and allowing the teacher to assist her in stamping her name on the IEP forms. I had failed to realize that, as per IEP regulations, a student transitioning into high school is given the opportunity to participate in their IEP and sign, or in our case, stamp, their name as an approval on the necessary documents discussed. She dutifully stamped her name underneath where I had originally signed for her.

As I watched her do this, I reflect upon the past yet once again. I see her as the tiny 12 oz baby that was delivered on an emergency basis almost fourteen years ago. I recall the glass box that housed her for eight months. I see the wires that wrapped her tiny body. I remember the first ten long years of hardships. Ten years filled with medical interventions, therapies, and illnesses. Ten long years of suffering for my child that I wish I could have erased or replaced by a much happier time.
This has been a memorable IEP; my daughter’s” transitional to high” school IEP. I never thought, in my wildest dreams, that I would come to witness this day. Even though the past seem as if it were a dream, it is truly a reality. A reality ingrained in our thoughts and lives. A reality chiseled in our hearts. A reality that brought about this beautiful child who is taking her responsibility so much to heart and stamping her name on documents that she trusts that I took care of for her. 
As I see the name “ALEX” being stamped on one page after another, I dutifully promise my child that she can trust that I will always do the correct thing by her. I may not be able to erase or change the past, but I will always be there helping her along the way to a brighter future..

Copyright 2012 .Najwa S. Hirn. All rights reserved

Thirteen Candles..

The first thing I did this morning upon waking up was to thank the Lord for giving me yet another year with my amazing daughter Alexandra. It is, after all, Alex’s thirteenth birthday. A day that becomes more special every year that passes along. A day that her daddy and I never thought we would celebrate year after year. A day that we don’t ever take for granted, but cherish its every moment.

I started thinking about writing this post about a month ago. It has been on my mind daily but somehow, the writer in me was not awake enough to help mold the words I wanted to say. Since the day she turned ten, I have been writing a birthday post for Alex every year and I did not want this to be the year that I ignore.

I couldn’t help but wonder why I was procrastinating all those days. I couldn’t help but ponder on why I was ignoring this task when I should have been writing this post and preparing it to be published on her birthday. It did not dawn on me until this morning why that is so. I realized as I woke up the significance of the intense emotions that I go through on this day every year. I understood that my inner writer had to acknowledge those deep feelings before I can even begin to write my annual birthday post.

A Thirteenth birthday is usually a very special event. It signifies an important stepping stone in a child’s life as that child transitions from babyhood into the teen years and continues on unto adulthood. It is a rights’ of passage for each of us and thus cannot be taken lightly. In our household, this right’s of passage is more than just a birthday. It is more than gifts, cake and candles. It is but a testimony of survival. A testimony that God works in miraculous ways in our lives. A testimony of the unconditional love that a mother has for her child. A testimony of the strength that I never, ever thought that I had in me.

As I reflect upon those past Thirteen year, I am yet again at awe and humbled by my Lord for choosing me to raise this special little girl. She is after all his Miracle child from the start. I see her today dancing to her music, playing on her computer and laughing at hers or our jokes. As I witness this, I still cannot erase the first image I had of my child thirteen years ago. An image that is ingrained in my mind and heart and can never be forgotten or replaced by any other. An image of a tiny body with a ping pong size head and spaghetti thin arms and legs. An image of a preemie born weighing only 12 ounces and measuring only 8 inches. I cannot help but reflect upon the past, upon the years that should have been filled with normal growth and happiness, but which were filled with medical horrors and fear.Years, that I do not wish upon any parent or child. Years that made us stronger and molded our destiny to bring us to this date.

As each birthday passes, I think of that first birthday that we were told would never happen. I then marvel at the approach of the second birthday which came in spite of all the medical complexities that we were dealing with. Deep down in my heart, I feel that my daughter’s true birthdays started at age ten. It was only by then that her condition was stable enough for her to start enjoying life as any other child should. However, the past is there and can never be erased.

Today, we celebrated with and for Alex. We ate, drank, danced and sang and had a wonderful day. We laughed as we cheered and said “Alex is a Teen today…Watch out world.. Here she comes..”

Happy Thirteenth Birthday Teen…

©Copyright 2011 .Najwa S. Hirn. All rights reserved

Little Hottie…

As I dropped my daughter off at school the other day, I had to chuckle when I heard the classroom assistant greeting her with a big smile, and saying: “Hey Little Hottie..” It is unbelievable how a small phrase like this can have such an impact on me. Hearing this assures me about the kind of care and attention that my daughter, Alexandra, is receiving from her classroom. A phrase like this is the security blanket that I hold on to when I drop Alex off each morning.

To many, the middle-school years experience may just flow as smoothly as puberty can allow the children during those years. To us, however, it takes a totally different aspect. You see, my daughter, Alex was born a micro-preemie and thus has special needs. She is still rather small in stature compared to the rest of the population in middle school. Due to her needs, she is placed in a special class.

As any mom of a special needs child knows, it is not easy finding the right people who you can truly rely on to take care of your child. This becomes even harder when you send your child to school hoping that the outside world will be kind to them and give them the respect and love that they truly need. It takes a very special person to bond with your child and accept them for who they truly are.

This is my daughter’s first year attending middle school and I must say that the transition has been very difficult. She has had to endure difficult classrooms and unpleasant situations until she reached to where she is today. The first sixteen weeks were pure “Hell” on her and thus on me. It tore my heart every morning to have to leave her at an environment that she hated. I prayed each day and asked God to solve this for me for I had failed to solve it myself. I pleaded to him to allow my child the happiness that she so deserves at school. As always, I left her in His loving care and knew that eventually, He will intervene.

God’s intervention came in the form of a special person whom I will call “our Angel at school”. A person like no other. A person who truly loved and bonded with Alex and treats her as if she were her own. A true angel sent from heaven. An angel who was able to see the potential in my child and contributed to Alex’s current placement thus allowing her happiness during her middle school years. . A person who, neither Alex nor I will ever forget and whom I will always be indebted to. The only person who has so lovingly termed my daughter “Little Hottie..”

© Copyright 2010 .Najwa S. Hirn. All rights reserved.

Go Alex Go..

If anyone would have told my husband and I twelve years ago that our daughter, Alexandra would be bowling with her friends for her twelfth birthday we would have looked at them with disbelief, and said :" Yeah! Right!!". We would have brushed that thought aside and concentrated on the task at hand which was praying for her survival. Our motto back then was just to take things one day, or even one minute at a time in the hopes of bringing her home some day. That day, eventually came eight months later!

However, bowling is exactly what Alexandra did today accompanied by her classmates and teachers, and what a day it turned out to be!! As we watched her roll down that ball this morning, we couldn't help but remember the day of her birth, twelve years ago. A day that will mark and change life as we knew it to have been to a completely new turn. A day that brought this tiny little girl into our lives and hearts. A child so small that she was termed "no bigger than a stick of butter." For twelve years ago today, our daughter, Alexandra, was born prematurely weighing only 12 ounces and measuring 8 inches in length. Twelve years ago, today, we did not know or even anticipate what the future would hold. She was the smallest baby to have been born at that hospital and as we watched her lying in the glass box that became her surrogate home for the next eight months, we definitely did not expect her to be bowling on this same day twelve years later.

Today is a special day. It is a day so different than that first day twelve years ago. It is definitely a day to celebrate her birth, her friends and her teachers. Today, we saw her enjoying herself and celebrating with her classmates. We are thankful and blessed for the little girl who has come so far. We praise God for this miracle He has brough into our lives, whom we call our daughter.

Today, Alexandra, bowled to her and our heart's content. She clapped; and watched her ball intensely heading towards the pins to strike her success. She smiled and winked our way as if to say: "see what I can do mom and dad." Her biggest gift was the acceptance and love she shared with her classmates and teachers.

We will always be indebted to those teachers and her friends who made today's birthday celebration a reality. We admire their dedication and the love they show Alex every day. She is one of the team and they have definitely brought much happiness to her school life.

Today we fought tears in our eyes to see her being included in all the commotion that a game such as bowling involves. We were drawn into the excitement when it was her turn and joined her classmates as we all cheered her on: "Go, Alex. Go.."

Happy Twelfth birthday sweetie..

Copyright 2010. Najwa S. Hirn. All rights reserved.